Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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