we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize