Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
