hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My breasts were aching with rage.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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