I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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