Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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