Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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