am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
