I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
