When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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