he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
