The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
