the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
