if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize