I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
