Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
