I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
