Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
