Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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