Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
