my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
