You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize