The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
