one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
