1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
