Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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