Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Apparently you make a good broom.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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