i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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