remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
