and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize