meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
