He disabled his match.com account in front of me
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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