I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
