i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
