I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I wear drunk well.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize