i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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