I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
