my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize