Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
