I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize