Sry I called you an 8
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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