I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
