So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
