I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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