Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
