I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
