I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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