I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
