i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
