Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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