I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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