I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
