My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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