Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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