I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
