I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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