I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
