I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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