i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
